Where do I party in the plain old San Francisco?

comments, witty remarks,
deeply-disturbing private messages
Disclaimer:
we purpotedly excluded some well-known but nasty places
Here are the pointers
This information is valid as of June 2014, 12 days before Honduras is about to start winning its first World Cup (didn't happen tho)

Updated on the last day of November, 2016 AD or 1 BDJT
Monday
VenueMusicDJInside you'll meetCatch
MatrixTop40Mei-LwunIndustry nightMaking your bartender from another bar drunk
Foley's InnWild guitar improv The army that refuses to dieThere are no quitters
If you get too plastered, they will let you pass out in the decrepit Inn upstairs
Utah SaloonBeware of the 9PM live muzaknoon-9PM = machine
9PM-1AM = live and not always pleasant 
People who like to drink to the extent of crossing the city to be thereSecond oldest joint in SF still standing
Tuesday
VenueMusicDJInside you'll meetCatch
[temporarily retired nd converted to a Cowboy Saloon?]
Ambassador
[was House - to be re-researched] 2-dollar beer night crawlersBarely-legal students everywhere, so come in early
Balboa CafeIs there music? Untamed Marina cougarsPeople are in as early as 9, and on Friday everyone is visibly unsteady sirca 3PM PST
Tunnel TopMarengo People who like to drink on TuesdaysCash-only plus tiny balconies so poorly fit for dancing over the heads of hard-drinking Popeyes
New John CollinsPerpetual HipHopwe suspect - iPod Exhausted engineers from nearby grown-ups clubIt's there and not going anywhere
RumorsKaraokelocal vocal Singers and drinkers + some industryYou can sing for free there without being taken out and brutalized in the alley
Wednesday
VenueMusicDJInside you'll meetCatch
InfusionTop40 Sebastian's Wednesday night (it's a promoter, not J.F.Sebastian from Blade Runner, who's dead, duh!)Fully loaded starting as early as 10-10:30
MonarchAs random as your mood swings Crowd as random as is the muzak3 floors, also booms on Sundays
Royal Tug Yacht Clubmild electroDJ/bartender Mack Lot's of foreighers for reasons unknownBuilt on the ruins of Ying Sun (spelling?)
Minna 111Vague Yappies2 bars, left and right, good place to pick up a new dork in town saoking in his own insecurities and investors' money
Thursday
VenueMusicDJInside you'll meetCatch
SlideHouse 50/50 ratio, you can't use the slide if you're wearing a skirt which is a total dragRelaxing yet full
OzumoMild house The remaining city yappies that didn't die from hunger during recessionPeople who can afford Asian Fusion kitchen, getting ready for the next Roman Empire eve in Marin county
HarlotElectro Random people and their random companionsThe opposite feeling of "let me punch you in the nose, I don't like you"
OMGKaraokeLisa Rose People cracking dance moves under questionable vocalsMind-tempered which is rare in the city
Beware of the 6th Ave zombies outside tho
RavenTop40 Wall-to-wall crowd in small spaces with higher ceilingsFancy-looking chamber-like bar where yet noone acts dramatic when you're ridiculously drunk and having good timezes
Friday
VenueMusicDJInside you'll meetCatch
Vessel
[Warning: conflicting reports whether it's closed or reopened or somewhat reopened]
used to be hiphop, now house Disturbed girls in heels, and you can buy a glowstick at the door and be wildly popularYou can get laid there
Redwood Room (Clift Hotel)Varies Bona Fide SausagefestOpens at 3, never dies till 2
Public WorksHouse Younger crowd3 floors, closes at 4
East-Side WestTop40MTVMarina blondes, everywhere, everywhere!Most mild-tempered door staff
MightyGrunge Dolce far niente folks in blackCloses at 4
Sloane
[Update: may be deade verbatum]
Varies Eclectic somewhat South-East Asian mixFounded by exiles from other nightclubs. This gets as close as being in a clubbing movie.
ParlorHiphop Rougher crowd with strangely nice ambianceDespite numerious reports there is indeed a much larger room right behind the front bar
Butter80s/90s Collection of groups impossible to categorizeFull and joy-full. With jelly-shots.
Starlight LoungeelectrohouseFrenchy Le Freak Modernized meat marketNot everyone wearinga dress is necessarily a woman
Saturday
VenueMusicDJInside you'll meetCatch
W-HotelElectro Messedup crowdHalf of the people have keys to their rooms upstairs.
[new development]: check out the wild grill stand WITH SAUSAGES, right outside, on the 3rd street. But beware - they get sold out. If you're late, they still let you watch.
Supper ClubToo drunk to recall People that are never the sameNot too crowded and often relaxing
Round bar and a large dance floor in the back, and lie-down lounges to the right
GrandHouse Packed main floor with buttered girlsroom floorTry to be there by 9:30, otherwise the line is ridiculous. And when inside - no, it wasn't the earthquake.
Drake
[Possibly fully retired, but there are funky places left and right to it, right there]
  People who don't like Grand or don't like to marinade in the queue thereThere a bar upstairs from which it's totally cool to fall inside the downstairs bar
Chambers (Phoenix Hotel)Top40 Completely random people none of whom stays in the hotelLoaded starting 3pm, 2 midsize rooms, completely non-obvious.
Sunday open till 2:30pm, probably for religious reasons, we don't really know.
Monroe [if closed, curve left, up the hill, you won't regret it] You won't care Everyone, literallyFun starts at 6am, and technically it's Sunday
Sunday
VenueMusicDJInside you'll meetCatch
Columbus CafeWildest techno you can find in the juke Tourists, distressed redheads, etcieYe boye!
[appears to have retired to become a much more depressing place]
Otis
GrungyKevin Knapp and WERD gangPeople who won't go to work tomorrowOpens at 10
Cellar
[Upstairs still alive, but the main floor has been locked for quite some time now. Future status - unknown]
Changes periodically Grade A alcoholics before liver transplantStart at SugarCafe upstairs, then roll in face down after 10
new Kate O'Brien old style juke, but there have been reports it's now replaced by a bartender-controlled Pandora Randomness of the clientelle is mind-blowingSudden last call, so watch it at around 1:15am and ask questions
Cable Car Loungewild techno/electro Tourists et alTips are already included in your bill
New Delhijukebox Industry from nearby bars and pubsHidden gem of Sunday night - front is a restaurant, but at night it's actually a moderately-wild Sunday-bound bar


Places, open 7 days a week


Places, open till 2 when they're open